All the days have run together, but I'm still withdrawing

I haven't written since Sunday and I thought it very necessary to keep this up to date. I'm good at starting things and then I either get distracted or just get bored and won't go much further. I'm trying to not do this here. Well, it's been a week and 2 days since trying to withdraw. Well I hate to admit this even to myself, but I'm not doing as well I thought I would. But I have to remind myself that it took me a month to get off of Ativan. So why rush this-just take your time. Today I bought Valerian pills from Wholefoods. When I was feeling woozy I took one when I ate lunch. I felt much better. I had done some reading before withdrawing that Valerian root would help with the withdrawal symptoms. It was right. I took one with my meal. Within an hour the lightheadness had gone and I wasn't manic anymore. Of course, it doesn't last all day because about an 11/2 ago the physical symptoms came back including that all the lights on in my house are just too bright. I took 1 of my 2 EXR pills. I am determined that I will not be on this for all of my life. I'll find an alternate way to regulate my brain. I can't write longer because I'm going to the big, scary free hospital in the morning-uh like at 6am. So I know I'll have lots more to write about then.

Day 6 - I think

It's Saturday. I haven't written since Wednesday. All my days are running together (but that's usual and has nothing to do with the meds). I haven't taken the medicine since Thursday. I took 1 pill Thursday evening because I didn't know how my reaction would be and was a little scared. But I didn't take a pill yesterday and I'm not taking one today. Now yesterday I felt just a little lightheaded. Today I felt a little lightheaded. For the past few days I've been getting up after 9:30. I know that that's because of not taking the medicine. I'm still dreaming some vidid dreams and last night several people died in my dreams and disappeared. I know this is because of the meds too. I'm a natural-vidid dreamer but I've never dreamed about so many people dying including myself. Oh, and I've been hungry and food tastes sooooooo good. I've been having a craving for meat and I try not to eat meat but the craving won't go away. So today I had a real hamburger that I cooked and it tasted so good I could have had two of em. It settled my stomach and helped it to not think of more food. So with that I'll give you an update tomorrow which will be totally different from last week.

I'm Backkkkk!!!

Sorry I didn't write back yesterday. I survived yesterday-YEAH! I took my 2 pills at 5pm. I wasn't having serious withdrawal systems, still the shaky hands, a little irritability, and so tired but hyper. Well today I still feel not so bad. Pretty much the same symptoms as yesterday. It's 3 and I haven't taken the 2 pills yet. At 5pm though, I'm only taking 1 pill. My refill hasn't come in yet and I don't know when, it might be next week sometime. So if I take 1 pill I'll have enough until Monday. If I take 2, I'll only have enough for 2 days. I don't like being addicted to drugs. And I know everyone keeps saying it's not an addiction, just symptoms from withdrawing. Well, I object to that. When you have the shakes, the sweats (like you've taken a shower with your clothes on), hunger pangs after you've just eaten, seeing things, strage dreams, this sounds like when Chris Rock played that crack addic on New Jack City-remember that movie-well I know you remember or heard about that famous scene. Oh yeah, heart palpitations goes with the withdrawal effects too. I've was supposd to have gotten a stress test like last year, but my clinic closed and now I don't have an afforble place to go. I go to a clinic that's supposed to be for low income but when they look at my no-income they say it's too much. But they don't account for my rent, car, car insurance, etc. Once I pay rent and the car note, I have nothing left not even enough for food. So I've learned to juggle and let things be late. I can't do anything about that right this minute. But I have to pay $100 for a doctor's visit. I'm sorry if I have to pay $100 for a visit, I want an xray or something or some blood work. None of that, just a look in my one ear and ok. That's IT.

But I digress-sorry. So it's possible to get off of the medicine gradually. I don't recommend cold turkey at all. And I understand I want to just stop taking the medicine, but that's not smart or healthy. Gradually getting the medicine out of your system is the way to go. I read recently that EXR goes through your blood and passes through your urine. So if you wean off less and less passes through your blood but it's coming out of your urine (at least that's how I see it). So tomorrow will certainly be the real test.

If you need prescription assistance because you can't afford to pay for your medicines this website will help (but you have to see a doctor to get them to provide a prescription and sign the form) www.pparx.org

Look at This!

When you're taking synthetic meds and you hear all of the scary stories about withdrawal effects, you're scared enough as it is. Then you open your email and see this:


Study: Psychiatrists Using Less Couch Time, More PillsA new study finds a decline in psychotherapy practiced by psychiatrists. The introduction of newer psychotropic medications with fewer adverse effects and insurance policies that favor short office visits are among the reasons, according to the study. “These trends highlight a gradual but important change in the content of outpatient psychiatric care in the United States and a continued shift toward medicalization of psychiatric practice,” the study said.

I love my psychiatrist and think he's done a fantastic job. But when I read this, esp. as an advocate of healing, I became saddened by this but I know it's true. We are living in a world of,"I want it now and fast" and people don't want to lay down on the couch for an hour anymore. And doctors don't want you laying down because the more clients they have, the more money they make.

This getting off is making me depressed, but I know this is the withdrawal effects. I have the shakes of my hand bad. When sleeping last night I sweat so much my sheets were wet. When I go outside, my entire body sweats even my knees (I never sweat-I'm not a sweater). YUCK! I guess that's why I'm so thirsty-hum...

Ok, I'll be back in 5 minutes of so. And I haven't taken a nap yet either. I'm on super, manic drive and it's hard to relax. But I'll try.

Day 4 of Withdrawal

Well, as you can tell I'm still here and haven't colapsed somewhere like in my bed. I'm really tired today and struggling. I have 2 hours until I can take the 2 pills. It keeps going between cloudy and sunny and rain and wind. It's quiet in the house except for the rumble of the washer and dryer. I think I'm going to take a nap and see if I can last longer than 2pm. I have only 2 days worth of meds left. I can't afford to pay for them myself so I get assistance from the pharmaceutical company. Well, I was given a prescription for 6 months worth of meds and then I gave it back but no one knows where the prescription is and they won't believe me if I tell them I don't have it (which I don't). So instead of explaining I'm just going to pray and wait it out til the meds arrive. This is another reason why I want to get off of this-it's just too much trouble (for me) trying to remember that I need to call for a refill, make sure people document that prescriptions were given back and then trying to get off of them. I decided that when I went to bed last night I would speak positively to myself and not be afraid (Psalm 91) of getting off of this medicine. I've done much harder things so I know I can do this and I will. Advocating and writing helps a lot. My garden helps a lot too. Painting helps and cleaning out the potty box for the kids (I call my 3 cats kids) helps too.

I'll be back after my nap.

Day 3 of Withdrawal

9:30am - I'm driving. I haven't taken those 3 pills. Ok, so I'm not going to take the pills today. It's going to be ok-I feel fine, fine. Not like yesterday. I ckd my email and 1 friend encouraged me on my quest. 1 friend told me instead of quitting or skipping a day to "titrate". So instead of skipping those 3 pills start weaning off. Now I'm at my mom and aunt's house.

12:00- I checked with my friend to make sure "titrate" means to wean down. It was agreed. So normally I take 3 pills-75mg. Right this minute I'm taking 2 pills-50 mg. I don't feel any "fuzzy" head feeling or disorientation. There's a tropical storm swimming in the air and I'm feeling the effects of allergies instead. I still feel good. I'm shocked. But I also don't want to feel what I felt yesterday and that's why I'm taking 2 pills right now. And yes I'm a chicken I admit it. I'm still scared of the dark and I sleep with a couple of night lights. I also find I'm able to think just a little bit better since off the Ativan and now knowing what I need to do to get off of EXR. But one of the long term effects I'm feeling from the Ativan is short-term amnesia. I hate this part. I can't remember simple things. My stomach is hurting though. One of the side effects of EXR is constipation (sorry, I'm real and talk about it all). I've had enough of this. So I don't know if my stomach is hurting for this reason or that I just need to go to the bathroom.

7:20pm- Well I'm glad to say I took those 2 pills at noon and I'm still feeling good. My friend says decrease the dose and each day decrease the hours. So yesterday I took 3 pills at 10am. Today I took 2 pills at noon. So tomorrow I wish I could say I'll take 1 pill at 2 and be off. I'm quick to rush and jump into things. So I'm taking this slow. After reading what other people went through trying to get off and what I felt last week, I don't want to go through that again. Talking it through and taking my time and a lot (and I mean a lot) of self-talking and praying and singing has helped me today. I used to love to sing and I thought I was good at it. I lost it 3 years ago. Today I heard a me I haven't heard in a long time. Well, one of the side effects I think I've had from the medicine is not being able to sleep. But then I had that problem before I started taking EXR. Some months ago, it got bad and I decided to go back to my Melatonin, my doctor agreed this was good. He said I should only need 1.5, half of the pill which is 3mg. Well a couple of nights ago, I got up around 3am and couldn't sleep. I came and laid in my recliner with the TV on. Around 4 I began to get drowsy again so I went to back to bed. The night after this which I think was Saturday I couldn't and didn't sleep the entire night. I decided I was taking the entire 3mg. I slept the entire night and was up though really early, like 6am. But I made myself stay in the bed and fell back asleep and then got up at 8am. I'm also trying to make sure I eat good foods. I used to eat lots of pasta and then I stopped for some reason. Well in one of my many herbal medicine books, it says pasta is good for depression and it makes so much sense. When I was eating all of that pasta I wasn't on any type of antidpressant. So I need to remember what I used to do. One other thing-I'm a stickler and totally anal about tying errors. I'm finding lately even while re-reading this (and I should have left it like it was so you would see)I missed entire words. I heard it in my heard and thought I typed it but it wasn't. Usually I do this 1 or 2 times, but this time it was like 6 or 7 or more. My concentration is not totally back yet. I used to be able to read 500-page boks in three days and now I can't even read a paragraph. I really can't wait for my concentration to stabalize. I'm going to start drinking green tea and gingko biloba.

Well it's 7:30 pm and I'm still feeling good. We'll see how the night goes...

Just remember: I'm not a doctor or psychiatrist and do not take any of this as medical advice. This is what I've gone through and it's my trial/error in everkything I'm doing. Please talk with your doctor and discuss you want to get off any synthetic medicine. If you're feeling helpless, hopeless or suicidal call 911 or 1-800 SUICIDE or go to this website: http://suicidehotlines.com/

I also remembered something else I wanted to write when I was driving and I forgot but just remembered when I was typing 911. Just a few months ago I was ready to give up. I felt hopeless and helpless. I was in the "pit"-you know what I'm talking about. I wanted to committ suicide- or I should say I thought about it. But I know when I get like this to self talk myself out of it. But I also realized I had given my power to my orthopaedic doctor who told me some really demeaning and un-professional things in an office visit. I let this pull me in the pit and I stayed there and wallowed in it and was covered from head to toe. But today when I was driving and singing and talking to God, I realized how beautiful everything was around me and that I wanted to live. I took my time driving, drove the speed limit and stayed in the slow lane except when to pass another car. This could be the side effect of the medicine that slowed my brain down r because of my back injury. Ok, I'm really going now.

Day 2

6:21pm: I forgot to write that I didn't know if this is one of the withdrawal symptons but I think it is. I've become a little paranoid. I keep seeing things and when I look it's not there. Because nothing is there, of course. I keep jumpin.



Yesterday, we all sat either outside or close to outside. I don't like this heat and I don't like to sweat, so I sat on my green stool by the door while the baby was on his leash by the door. The cats were scattered in the yard. All of a sudden, I saw a blonde, golden whir and I heard this horrible growling. I screamed, threw the baby in the door (not literally) and unhooked him. The attack dog went straight to pretty girl because she was exposed. I figured out it was a dog and I knew it was killing pretty girl. I screamed again, who are you to the dog and went running ready to kick box. Blackie had every single strain of his hair sitting straight up. He chased the dog out of our area and slapped him because I heard the dog yelp.



No one was hurt, but my heart raced for about 30 minutes. And guess what? It was the same dog that beat up baby a couple of months ago. And again this dog was unleashed and allowed to run around and attack other animals. What if a child were out here, would the dog attack it?



Well I brought all of this up because all last night and this morning I kept jumpin. I stepped on popcorn and screamed. I stepped on a cat toy and screamed again. I was scared to bring baby out because of that attack dog. I told myself I will not have an anxiety attack and I don't need Ativan. Just breath.

Yes it's still Day 2

6:10pm: Can you believe I still have the fuzzy head feeling. What in the world is going on? Since I've been back home I've been trying to get this blog straight so I can record what I'm feeling. After church I was still shaking. It was so hot in the car-101. I had to meet someone to sell a router. I kept driving and my head was swimming and I couldn't concentrate. I called her and she didn't answer her phone. Good! I needed to get home, fast.



The baby wouldn't use the bathroom. Good! I needed to get in the house where it was safe and not hot.



Maybe if I eat I'll feel better.



Ok, I feel a little better.



Now it's 6pm and I'm still sitting in the same spot. I did move; cleaned the kids box out and fed one.

Does your body tremor on the inside? It kinda feels like my cat purring. But my body is purring. Is this part of the withdrawal symptoms? I don't know.

I need to see how else I can get this fuzzy head feeling to leave. Whew! Just breathe. I can get through this. I can get through this.

Still Day 2

12:35 pm: Ok, I didn't make it. At around 9:45am I started feeling the "fuzz" and dizziness in my head. You know the feeling; kinda like you're floating away from your body but still connected in a nightmarish way. I kept thinking, I have to go to church at 11:30am. Ok, I can do this. By 10am while I was still saying I can do this, I was in the kitchen swallowing those 3 pills yet again. I felt low and as if I failed. But in the next second I told myself- no I'm not! This is bigger than me and this stuff is in my system. But if I can get off of Ativan, I can get off EXR. I took two sips of OJ and a bite of a banana. I hurridely ran to the shower praying that the water would wash the "fuzz" and confusion in my head away...

Day 2: August 3, 2008

8:19am - Today is the next day I haven't had Ativan-feeling great! Little shaky-my hands. I can do this, I thought.



I'm beginning the journey of weaning off of EXR. It's going to be hard and a little scary. But God says I don't have a spirit of fear, but of power, love and sound mind (II Tim 1:7). And I'm more than a conqueror by the blood of the lamb (Romans 8:37).



I'm waiting for new meds to come and I don't want to run out so I'm going to see how every day works. Today is off. God'll help me with this.

Day 1: Saturday, Aug. 2, 2008

Today is the first day that I have been off of Ativan. Now that I've survived I think I can start to think about how to get off Effexor, XR (EXR). Two days last week I stopped taking EXR because I was waiting for the refills to come in and I knew I was coming up short. Well those two days didn't go too well. The second day I was feeling "fuzzy" in my head and dizzy-that swimming, loss of coordination, confusing feeling. I didn't even equate it to not taking EXR. But I said to myself, let me look up the withdrawal symptoms on the internet. Well, as you know there was nothing official or from the pharaceutical company. I found symptoms from you looking for answers and giving up. It scared me. One person said I'll just stay on it forever than having to deal with the withdrawal symptoms. I thought, OMG, can I do this? Well, I went to the kitchen and swallowed my three pills and went back to the computer. I found two people that went cold turkey and suffered for three weeks-THREE WEEKS! There was no way I could do this cold turkey feeling like this. This is horrible. I would talk to my doctor and find out how to switch to Valerian. I also decided that I would track my progress so when you google withdrawal effects from EXR you would know what you would feel and go through. I'm not a doctor, psychiatrist; I have no medical experience except from my personal experiences and my own trial and errors. Please, please if you're wanting to get off of EXR, talk to your doctor! The weaning off process can be deadly and most of all miserable to the 1000th power.

Well day 1: I feel great and have no anxiety!
Tomorrow I decided I would skip taking the EXR and take it Monday.
This'll be easy.
I have willpower.
I am strong.
I don't have to be afraid.
I am more than a conqueror.